There’s something about being unbothered by the world around you. That doesn’t mean be quick to dismiss & disqualify others. It just means you’re aware of things around you. The people you encounter daily and in your own world. The forces and energies that will have no problem throwing you off balance and affect every part of your being. Yet, you remain at peace. You are aware of your reactions, actions, behaviors, moods, facial and physical expressions. You understand how you choose to take it all in and the way you give it back out may affect those you choose to surround yourself with. Most important and ultimately, it will only affect YOU the worst. Every part of your life you think you have under control. Holding onto offenses that have no business being part of you. Pushing people out so far until you’ve come to a point where your mind will believe it feels like no one is around or cares. The mind is a powerful tool. You are a powerful being. You get to choose how the world responds to you by how you first respond to it.
Want love, give love.
Want respect, give respect.
Want peace, give peace.
I couldn’t tell if what I felt was real or just a crush. Emotions. A feeling I haven’t felt in…ever. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about someone. It’s real. It’s raw. It’s pure. It’s scary. Is one’s heart supposed to hurt? Filled up, pulled out of my chest, put back, taken for the emotional ride of a lifetime. How was I supposed to know it would hit me like this? I could have never prepared my heart for what was to come. Hurt, guilt, pain, selfishness. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. This isn’t what I prayed for. But it happen. I’ve asked God to show me the way. I can see and feel you. This doesn’t seem right, but my heart keeps leading me back to you. Yes, I’m afraid. Afraid of being the recipient of a broken heart again and again. Afraid of ruining something that’s already so special. I’m afraid I’ve shared too much. But it’s you. You listen to me go on and on. You sit and reflect with me. You respond with love and understanding. You speak right to my soul. ‘Tell me your deepest, darkest secrets. Let go of all of your worries. I will keep them forever. Treasure them and comfort you. Bring out the best in you. Make you smile again.’ You do something no one else does. You make me want to be the very best version of myself. You’ve shown me what it feels like to be truly loved. For someone to love me like my Father loves me. Flaws and all. It’s patient, it’s kind, it’s loving, it’s genuine, non-judging, communicative, real, wonderful, safe. My heart leaps. Perhaps this was meant to happen.
Speak on the things that make me sing. The things that make me feel like I’m on cloud nine. Lift me up, thrown into a world of euphoria. Where the promises made are kept. The dreams and desires of the heart are fulfilled by your sacrificial ways and unending love. Teach me how to be a better me. How to love and be loved. How to grow, seek, soak, and sow wisdom. To run far and not grow weary. Breathing in, breathing out your scent. Taking in your aroma and be wrapped in your wonderful spirit.
As the days go on, ignite that fire within me. Light the path for what’s to come. Revive the dreams once again. Breathe life onto dead bones. Turn ashes into beauty. Remind me to love myself and others. Take in deep breaths. Sighs of relief; for my dreams have, once again, come alive. Strike the ground I walk on; marching to beat of a new song.
Finding myself caught between what was and what’s to come. I can’t help but wonder what the bigger picture will turn out to be.
“We just don’t see our prayers for what they are when we’re praying for them we see the potential of what they can become when God answers them.”
I’ve prayed for healing, comfort, and peace over my life during this time. Little did I know it was right at my fingertips. I heard Him say to me, “No more searching, no more striving. I am what you are looking for and have never left you, I have given you all you need, Go and do that. I will go before you, behind you and right beside you.”
Giving myself dedicated time and space to nurture the gift God has given me. It’s part of who I am and who I’ve been all along. It has never left me.
“We don’t always get what we want, but we always get what we need. Our job is to learn to trust and be ready and open to receive.” – Dai
This teaches me to let go of something that may hold me back and instead be accepting of new ideas, opportunities, environments and to take chances. Personal life and job industries are always changing. Even if I must learn to adjust at first, there is always something positive I can take from this changing experience or give back to and I can always use that something to be an advocate. Everything else may change around me and I may not be able to control it, but the ability to use my voice does not.
I told myself that I’d be okay, that I was okay. I was convincing everyone including myself. The denial became too great – I believed that God would pull me out of this ditch. Reveal His glory to me. I believed that He would show up in miraculous ways. Put a stop to the vicious cycle that became my life. Words and thoughts said otherwise. Threw my confidence and trust across the room. Hit the mirror and shattered me to pieces. With nothing left in the moment. Eyes depleted and dehydrated. My mind and fingers became a slave to the letters before me. Forming words they only knew how. Expose the lie I’d convinced myself of. Repeat the words on my lips. Studying a Foreign language. Unfamiliar, hard to grasp. I believed that God would pull me out of this ditch. Reveal His glory to me. Make me new, make me whole. Words and thoughts said so. My confidence staring right back at me. Words glaring. Telling me that I’d be okay, that I am okay.