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I told myself that I’d be okay, that I was okay

I was convincing everyone including myself

The denial became too great

I believed that God would pull me out of this ditch,

Reveal His glory to me

I believed that He would show up in miraculous ways,

Put a stop to the vicious cycle that became my life

Words and thoughts said otherwise,

Threw my confidence and trust across the room

Hit the mirror and shattered me to pieces

With nothing left in the moment

Eyes depleted and dehydrated

My mind and fingers became slave to the letters before me

Forming words they only knew how

Expose the lie I’d convinced myself of

Repeat the words on my lips

Studying a Foreign language

Unfamiliar, hard to grasp

I believed that God would pull me out of this ditch

Reveal His glory to me

Make me new; make me whole

Words and thoughts said so

My confidence staring right back at me

Words glaring

Telling me that I’d be okay, that I am okay.

 

– S

 

 

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The Un-invited Friend

I was taken out of something so familiar and put into new territory that ate me alive. I was chewed up and spit back out into the unapologetic world that I thought I’d once mastered. It was a rude awakening, but nonetheless a much-needed wake-up call. As sat there in front of my computer, feeling that warm, salty liquid trail down to my lips once again – “What was happening?” I thought I had figured it all out. It was gut-wrenching and tormenting me in so many ways. Never have I felt so stuck between a rock and hard place. I wanted to give up so much at that point. How could this be happening to me again? Time and time again – it seemed to never end. What a vicious cycle. I was living in Murphy’s Law. Every little inch forward seemed to have propelled me fifty steps back. The feeling was unbearable, but something happened. A little voice inside told me, “go ahead, have your cry. You were made and are destined for greatness though, so when you’re done, I’ll be on the other side ready to strike the ground and conquer.” Whoa, what a revelation. I was done, tired of the tears and fearing the unknown. I wanted what was out there for me, even if that meant being thrown into unfamiliar territory. At least it was something new.

Why I Came Back

The best thing happened to me today. I found one of my favorite, life-changing books of all time, The Alchemist. For years, I thought I’d lost that book forever and for some unknown reason I refused to buy new copy…okay maybe my stubbornness may have been a factor; however, that’s beside the point. I learned something very valuable to who I am as a person — almost profound maybe. The book talks about one boys’ journey in finding his calling, the path that he is meant to follow and fulfill. There’s setbacks, accomplishments, lessons, new characters, a test of his faith, you name it. He pushed through and overcame; and while I feel it’s important for anyone to be as resilient as he was, there’s a greater, much deeper connection this story holds for me. When I read it, I was on the verge of making the scariest decision of my life. I was moving 3,000 miles away from home, on my own, not a clue how things would end up. However, I did it. My calling, my destiny was somewhere ahead. I didn’t know where, but I knew where I had to go to find it. It’s years later, I’ve moved back home and I’m still searching for that calling. To be quite honest, I feel as though I have accomplished nothing and that’s okay. The ups and downs were like nothing I could ever imagine and I’ve wanted to give up for quite some time, but little did I know that that was the best part. There’s something about knowing where you currently are may not be where you’re meant to be. Much like in the story, there’s moral, a lesson to be learned — I have yet to learn mine and that too is okay.
-S

Who’s Your Push?

How great is it to motivate one another and share our journeys – good and bad. Marvel in the victories and teach others how to get there. On instinct, we tend to relate more to those who are experiencing similar journeys, which help alleviate the insane feeling of being all alone. If you, for once, get yourself out of that state of mind and begin to understand that what pushes us out of comfort zone and into our victories and successes is surrounding yourself with not only those who have “been there, done that”, but the ones who have survived; the ones who have come out much stronger and confident, successful and fruitful in life – and I’m not just talking about possessions – they’re happier after all.

I’ve learning to be very much less judgemental of those I may call lucky or fortunate. Life seems to be perfectly orchestrated for us to be so focused on nothing but success without realizing the journey it takes to get there. I’m learning to listen before I can even formulate an opinion in my brain. I’m learning from those who I’ve chosen to surround myself with. They become, not only my mentor, but my friend – and how great is it to have a friend to share your journey with.

Revelations

I thought I’ve had some big revelations in my life so far. However, nothing could have ever prepared me for what I was about to come face to face with on my twenty-fifth birthday. They say, “quarter-life crisis” exists – this was far past that, as it felt. I hit rock bottom hard. So deep, it took a round of girls and a few guys to literally pull me out of my hole. What was I thinking? My life was a mess. I was so deep into my problems while carrying everyone else’s, there was nothing left to do, nowhere left to turn but fall to ground, sink my head into a toilet and let it all out. My anger and upset, tears and pain, confusion, emotional and literal fatigue came rushing out from the place where I needed only oxygen at the moment. The place that’s supposed to give me relief when I feel suffocated. There was nothing left to do, but fight with it. So I did. It struggled to stay deep within me, but I fought and I let the demons that were holding me back come out. I fought until I could no longer hear or see. I opened my eyes – it was morning. What I thought would be all over, it was just the beginning and I was ready to face it head on.

Matters of The Heart

When it comes to matters of the heart, does action really speak louder than words? I used to think so until I met a man who couldn’t tell me how he felt, but affectionate gestures were everything. I must say I liked it. I liked it a lot, until I asked him to say the words and he couldn’t answer. I was yearning for them to come out of his mouth, but his sweet touches always distracted me. Tracing and embracing every part of me, he knew just what to do as I melted right into his steaming pot of affection. I was entranced and words no longer became a necessity. They were foreign – and they stayed just that. See that’s the thing about something that’s foreign. You only embrace it until you can no longer understand it. But I did and I wanted that foreign thing to become something so familiar, like second nature to us, our own love language. It wasn’t long before everything about us became foreign and we no longer were “we”. I have to admit, it was difficult but I knew where I stood. When it came to matters of my heart, I’m all about “say what you mean and mean what you say. “