As the days go on, ignite that fire within me. Light the path for what’s to come. Revive the dreams once again. Breathe life onto dead bones. Turn ashes into beauty. Remind me to love myself and others. Take in deep breaths. Sighs of relief; for my dreams have, once again, come alive. Strike the ground I walk on; marching to beat of a new song.
Finding myself caught between what was and what’s to come. I can’t help but wonder what the bigger picture will turn out to be.
“We just don’t see our prayers for what they are when we’re praying for them we see the potential of what they can become when God answers them.”
I’ve prayed for healing, comfort, and peace over my life during this time. Little did I know it was right at my fingertips. I heard Him say to me, “No more searching, no more striving. I am what you are looking for and have never left you, I have given you all you need, Go and do that. I will go before you, behind you and right beside you.”
Giving myself dedicated time and space to nurture the gift God has given me. It’s part of who I am and who I’ve been all along. It has never left me.
“We don’t always get what we want, but we always get what we need. Our job is to learn to trust and be ready and open to receive.” – Dai
This teaches me to let go of something that may hold me back and instead be accepting of new ideas, opportunities, environments and to take chances. Personal life and job industries are always changing. Even if I must learn to adjust at first, there is always something positive I can take from this changing experience or give back to and I can always use that something to be an advocate. Everything else may change around me and I may not be able to control it, but the ability to use my voice does not.
I told myself that I’d be okay, that I was okay. I was convincing everyone including myself. The denial became too great – I believed that God would pull me out of this ditch. Reveal His glory to me. I believed that He would show up in miraculous ways. Put a stop to the vicious cycle that became my life. Words and thoughts said otherwise. Threw my confidence and trust across the room. Hit the mirror and shattered me to pieces. With nothing left in the moment. Eyes depleted and dehydrated. My mind and fingers became a slave to the letters before me. Forming words they only knew how. Expose the lie I’d convinced myself of. Repeat the words on my lips. Studying a Foreign language. Unfamiliar, hard to grasp. I believed that God would pull me out of this ditch. Reveal His glory to me. Make me new, make me whole. Words and thoughts said so. My confidence staring right back at me. Words glaring. Telling me that I’d be okay, that I am okay.
What a trying time for me. The Universe flipped me on my head and said, “it’s sink or swim now. Don’t f*** it up!”. I must be doing something wrong. It’s living in Murphy’s Law over and over again. Some days are good. I wake up, read a word, say a prayer and feel encouraged. Ready to conquer and work. Other days, I feel like I’ve been beaten up in my sleep. I wake up physically and emotionally drained and defeated. Ready to stay in bed, scream and cry all day. I needed a change. I needed an out. An S.O.S. So I broke free and it let me go. Gave me freedom. Now somewhat limbo, but it’s freedom.
I was taken out of something so familiar and put into new territory that ate me alive. I was chewed up and spit back out into the unapologetic world that I thought I’d once mastered. It was a rude awakening, but nonetheless a much-needed wake-up call. As sat there in front of my computer, feeling that warm, salty liquid trail down to my lips once again – “What was happening?” I thought I had figured it all out. It was gut-wrenching and tormenting me in so many ways. Never have I felt so stuck between a rock and hard place. I wanted to give up so much at that point. How could this be happening to me again? Time and time again – it seemed to never end. What a vicious cycle. I was living in Murphy’s Law. Every little inch forward seemed to have propelled me fifty steps back. The feeling was unbearable, but something happened. A little voice inside told me, “go ahead, have your cry. You were made and are destined for greatness though, so when you’re done, I’ll be on the other side ready to strike the ground and conquer.” Whoa, what a revelation. I was done, tired of the tears and fearing the unknown. I wanted what was out there for me, even if that meant being thrown into unfamiliar territory. At least it was something new.