When it comes to matters of the heart, does action really speak louder than words? I used to think so until I met a man who couldn’t tell me how he felt, but affectionate gestures were everything. I must say I liked it. I liked it a lot, until I asked him to say the words and he couldn’t answer. I was yearning for them to come out of his mouth, but his sweet touches always distracted me. Tracing and embracing every part of me, he knew just what to do as I melted right into his steaming pot of affection. I was entranced and words no longer become a necessity. They were foreign – and they stayed just that. See that’s the thing about something that’s foreign. You only embrace it until you can no longer understand it. But I did and I wanted that foreign thing to become something so familiar, like second nature to us, our own love language. It wasn’t long before everything about us became foreign and we no longer were “we”. I have to admit, it was difficult but I knew where I stood. When it came to matters of my heart, I’m all about “say what you mean and mean what you say. “
There’s much to be said about finding something you really love and allowing it to evoke this kind of emotion within. Something so static becomes alive — arbitrary, fluid with movement and provocative that it moves you — changes you inside and out. It’s the thing that keeps you pushing forth. That fire within, waking up everyday wondering how to make today better than yesterday. Whatever that thing is — find it, get to know it, embrace it, love it with all your heart.
On April 2nd, 2017 I found myself again. I started to feel what others feel – the pain, the hurt, and the excitement, energetic, effervescent. It came back rushing like a long lost father and son. Tears well up as these emotions hit me at once. It felt freeing, but yet burdening at the same time. I knew what this meant and I knew what I had to do.
I am what one calls an empath. I feel and take on the emotions of others and make them as my own. I have been doing so for as long as I cannot remember because I don’t realize I am doing so. The thing is, for my entire life, I didn’t know such a real meaning existed for what I was feeling. I cared a lot about others – I’ve laughed, cried, gotten angry, depressed as if it were my own experiences.
At a very young age, I thought I was extremely sensitive, but as I grew older and wiser, I started to not care any longer. Why should I care about others’ problems? Who’s going to care for Sabrina’s problems? Who was going to celebrate with Sabrina in her victories? Who was going to sit and listen to Sabrina when she needed it the most and felt the weight of the world on her shoulders? So I stopped caring.
That’s the thing about empaths. We take on so much until we can longer do so and we shut people out. We build a high wall and block others from being let into our own hearts and mind — yet we’re still alive and well in the lives of others. But then, one day, that wall meets four other walls with roof and we block it all out all together. We’re seen as aloof, ignorant, insensitive, you name it – but we’re anything but. Most times, we don’t even realize what we were and what we’ve become until one day we find ourselves welling up with emotion again unexpectedly. That day was April 2nd.
Something was different, however. Who I once was came rushing back, but in a way that allowed me to put Sabrina first. I felt it all — the emotions were there. She was nowhere near me, but our minute of texts said it all. “I’ve been crying so much”, she wrote. And there it was – I knew she was and I felt her pain within me. The tears welled up, but stopped instantly. Did I not care any more? I could hear in my mind, inner Sabrina was saying to myself, “The weight of the world is not yours to carry”. In that moment, I began to smile. Not because it wasn’t my problem — yet I knew that — but instead I smiled because I no longer felt burdened knowing what I knew.
Was this a break through for me? I sat there on the train as it rode over the water, looking out. That little voice inside said to me, “This is meant for you. This is what you need to do.” A wave of chills ran through my body and then nothing. Peace. Continuously those words ran through my mind. For so long, the thing I tried to run from without knowing came running back to me. I fought for many years trying to decipher who Sabrina was meant to be. Yet, little did I know she is who she always was.
I’m meant to help people – listen to them and be a voice for them. I thought to myself, “I can do this”. I can be this empath without losing myself. Is it a gamble? Possibly. However, it’s a gamble worth playing if it means being that one person who stopped to say, “Hey, how are you?” and truly wanting to know how one is doing. Who knows what this means for me, but as long as I remember the weight of the world is not mine to carry, I can be an empath all I want and keep my sanity.
I vow to always make you proud in every way. Work harder, fight harder, be more resilient, more fearless, more powerful, more honest more beautiful inside and out – timeless, admirable, effervescent, charismatic, intelligent. You’re a rare find, a rare kind, better than before and the next, pure golden.
I always get the urge to write or at least try to and when I start, I don’t finish my thoughts. I get lost in something completely different and my minds sways into a wonderland of “what ifs?” – of things to be or that could be. Like now, could it be that my mind has been filled with so many ideas bottled up and left at sea only to be found, opened again by what seems to be a complete stranger and revealing a heartfelt letter of confessions and dreams? Whatever it is, I only, hope to one day have this complete stranger find something strong that is within me and allowed me to finish what was once started. That wonderland of “what ifs?” will one day become a beautiful reality.